


searching starry skies finding love between constellation lines

by active_galactic_nuclei



Category: BROCKHAMPTON (Band)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Band, Angst, Coming of Age, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay, High School, Homosexuals, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Slow Burn, Soulmates, all lowercase for added pretentiousness, and now i guess i have to finish it, basically joba is just really fucked up but dw im sure hell be fine, bh, brockhampton - Freeform, do i have a plot yet? no. am i making everything up as i go? yes., go easy on me i’ve never written fanfic before, i suppose its not really an au, its set in the year they would have actually been in hs, joba - Freeform, kevin abstract - Freeform, matt champion - Freeform, merlyn wood - Freeform, not a lot mostly just mentions of scars not the actual act, not an au they just are, so maybe this is ass i really can’t be fucked to make it better, that’s it that’s the fic, they’re gay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-11-02
Packaged: 2020-07-09 05:30:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19882432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/active_galactic_nuclei/pseuds/active_galactic_nuclei
Summary: bruised and bleeding knuckles and knees. raindrops on rooftops like humdrum heartbeats.bleary blue-eyed boys with stardust synapsesfondly forget redundant relapses





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> bro i ain’t never write a fanfic before soz if this is ass i never said it would be good

> soft sunlight streaming through the crack in the window’s glass above his bed roused russell from his sleep that sunday morning. as the taller of the two people in his bed in that moment, he had his chin resting on the soft hair on top of matt’s head. he knew it must have been a ridiculously early hour of the day to wake up at, at least by his standards (and the standards of the smaller boy that had his limbs tangled up in his, judging by the fact that he was still sleeping soundly at his soft side), but he couldn’t care less if it meant he got to spend the precious hours of the somber morning’s sunrise with his husband. russell cuddled impossibly closer to his warm body, planting a gentle kiss on his forehead. matt stirred lightly in his sleep, probably dreaming russell supposed. just as he began to contemplate the ethics of waking up the sleeping boy for his own selfish need to enjoy the sun rising over the city with him by his side, his questions were answered with a groan by his side as the boy stretched his limbs waking up from the slumber he had been in. 
> 
> “s’too early joba. don’t want to be awake yet.”
> 
> “get up and watch the sunrise over the skyline with me.” 
> 
> “god i’m so tired it’s physically painful. you’re insufferable sometimes,” matt groaned while sitting up on his elbows. He stretched his limbs out across russell, hearing the satisfying pop of his joints cracking. Then, albeit with great displeasure, he stood up and made his way across the room to the large window with russell. he had to admit, watching the first rays of sun touch the horizon was... kind of beautiful. he said this to russel, who smiled warmly in return. 
> 
> “you’re prettier,” he stated, clearly meaning every word.
> 
> ”i love you, joba,” matt remarked, half speaking to the man standing behind him with his long arms wrapped around the soft curve of matt’s hips, resting his chin on the dark hair on top of his head, but also half declaring it to the entire city, wishing he could scream it from every rooftop in the shitty los angeles neighborhood they lived in. 
> 
> “i love you too babydoll. more than you know” replied russell. neither said a word for a long time, just letting the exchange hang in the air while they enjoyed being in eachothers arms. in the comfortable silence the smaller boy turned around in his embrace, facing russell. standing on his tiptoes he pressed a kiss onto his lips, feeling all of his worries melt away when he was met with the feeling of the others arms holding him tighter than even before while kissing him back gently. 
> 
> russell broke the silence, “i used to not believe in soulmates, but i think i might have changed my mind since meeting you.” 
> 
> “i always knew they were real. you ever read that shit about how humans are made of stardust from the forming of the universe or whatever?” replied matt, softly. he smiled as his husband nodded his head. 
> 
> “you and i were forged from the same star.”


	2. humble beginings

russell had no idea what would happen to him that august day of two thousand nine. he walked in the doors for the first day at the woodlands high school for the third time. his (second) sophomore year was not something he looked forward to whatsoever. it would simply be another year of sitting alone at lunch, another year of having no partner for projects, another year of sitting alone in the back of the classroom, among so much else. that was what he thought, at least. as he dragged his feet through the halls to check the board posted in the main hall and find his homeroom class, however, he found something he hadn't even known he was looking for. a small mousy haired boy strode up beside him, catching russell slightly off guard. 

"are you an upperclassman?" the boy spoke, his voice much higher than russell's own.

"i mean... i'm a sophomore? ...if that helps?" he responded. he was now more than intrigued by the younger boy. why did he want to know if he was an upperclassman? why did he care?

"do you know where my homeroom classroom is? i can't find where it's supposed to be," he asked sheepishly, looking down anxiously without making eye contact with the older boy as he handed him his schedule with the classroom printed on it.

"oh yeah, i'll show you. come with me really quick to see where my homeroom is first though," russell answered, leading the boy through the crowded hallways and up to the board. they walked in silence, neither being brave enough to spark up conversation. he scanned the board for a second, reading down the list for only a short moment before coming to the line that read "Russel boring" and following his eyes over to the classroom number by his name.

"looks like we have the same class. it's like, right around the corner. just follow me," he stated to the boy. true to his word, they turned the corner and found the room number they had been looking for and strode in. he walked to the back finding a seat in the corner of the room. he looked up to see the boy from the hallway talking to the teacher in the front of the classroom before she started the class. he couldn't pinpoint exactly why, but he sort of hoped the boy would sit by him. he doubted it though. he figured that he would find his other friends from middle school sitting at a table and sit with them, leaving him alone once again. much to his surprise, however, as the boy looked toward the class and saw russell he immediately made his way over to him. russell had no idea why he chose to sit by him, but he welcomed the validation nonetheless. he looked at the boy as he sat down, and he smiled warmly at him in return.

"you don't mind if i sit here, do you?" the boy shyly asked. 

"of course not, dude. you got a name for me to call you?" russell responded, realizing he had never gotten his name.

"oh, um, matthew. champion. matthew champion... everyone just calls me matt, though," he replied rather awkwardly. he was clearly nervous. 

"are you shitting me? _champion?_ your last name is so much better than mine. boring. my name is literally russell boring,"

"i don't think that's so bad. russell is a really nice name, if you ask me," matt reassured.

"yeah, i suppose. nobody really calls me by it, though. my nickname is joba," russell informed him.

"well, _joba_ , you seem pretty cool. i hope we talk more," matt said, hopeful.

"you want to eat lunch with me? i'll show you the secret spot i have. usually there's nobody around, we can just talk," he offered. matt nodded his head, telling him to meet him outside the main building to take him there. russell agreed, and just then the teacher began to drone on about the first day and introductions and all kinds of things neither boy really cared about at all. unbeknownst to each other, neither could keep their minds off the boy sitting next to them. 

as the bell rang and matt made his way out of the classroom (russell, of course, made sure he knew where his classroom was), he could not get the image of the sophomore boy out of his head. the way his long hair fell in strands to frame his face, occasionally blocking his eyes causing him to take one calloused hand from his side to push it behind his blushed pink ear. the way he looked in that outfit that day- a loose white shirt with a pair of light wash straight leg jeans, worn down black shoes with writing and doodles scratched on all the white accents, and a simple chain necklace hanging delicately on his pale neck; it wasn't much, but matt thought he looked incredible. the way he smiled, his mouth curving up into a grin exposing perfect teeth, before laughing that beautiful laugh of his at something funny matt had said. everything about the boy captivated matt. to say he was anything short of in love would have been an understatement in his opinion. he was sure russell would never feel the same though. in all his time of growing up in the suburbs of texas, he had only ever met one other gay person, and that was his best friend ian. not to mention he was only out to his closest friends, and he had no idea who the older boy would tell if he confessed that he felt that way. he had decided it best to keep it under wraps. after all it was just a passing crush, right?

when matt sat down in his second period geography class, he was excited to see both of his best friends sitting at a table saving a third seat for him. he walked over and set his backpack on the table with a heavy thud. as soon as he was sitting down, his friends immediately fell into comfortable conversation, talking and laughing about their summer and how much they dreaded high school and anything else in between. 

"so, matt, how was homeroom for you? you know anybody in your class?" merlyn asked.

"nobody i knew from before, but i met a really nice sophomore guy who showed me where the class was and sat with me. he seems really nice," matt answered, trying not to sound _too_ excited about the boy.

"is he cute?" asked ian, obviously trying to get a rise from him.

"i mean... yeah... i guess..." he responded sheepishly, feeling his face get hot with blush dusting his cheeks. why did he have to be so infatuated with the stupid boy? he hated himself for acting so childish over a stupid school crush. he was a freshman in high school for christ sake, he shouldn't be acting like such a child.

"aww, how sweet. matt has a crush!" merlyn teased. 

"shut up. he asked me to eat lunch with him, by the way. i hope you guys aren't mad that i said yes," matt told the boys.

"of course not, we're happy for you, dude. just, stay safe alright? don't get into trouble," ian said to him. ian had always cared deeply about his friends, and it meant a lot to matt.

"ok _mom_ ," matt joked. truthfully, he was probably more nervous than anyone else. he had no idea what would happen when the bell rang to dismiss them. he just hoped he didn't embarrass himself, mostly. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the tags probably gonna change a lot as more is decided in the story. or if i think of more epic funnies to put in there. either way. also sorry if any details of how public high school in texas works are wrong. i go to a liberal arts high school in southern california that is very weird and i have not had a normal high school experience whatsoever. also i changed the intro to say that they were husbands instead of boyfriends to make stuff make sense later. expect lots of minor edits like that as i start to actually form the story.


	3. to live is to love

walking out to the main hall, russell felt relieved. relieved that he had met matt, relieved to have someone he could _hopefully_ call a friend, and most of all, relieved to see the boy standing by the doors to the front of the school, picking at his nails and shifting on his legs, waiting for him. smiling at the boy, he lifted his hand up in a wave and watched the boy meet his eyes and smile that same warm smile at him. he hadn't noticed the appearance of the boy much before then, but now he looked at him more closely. he wore an over sized multicoloured sweater that hung loosely off his slender frame, light wash jeans with rips over the knees that sat high on his waist, and red converse laced with yellow laces. far from the most conventional outfit for a fourteen year old boy (especially in 2009), but russell found it charming in a bit of an odd way. his hair was parted on the right, and combed to sweep over to the left though a few strands slipped away and fell over his hazel eyes. 

"you're early," he called to the boy.

"maybe you're late. did you think of that?" matt joked, smiling as russell smacked his arm.

"shut the fuck up," he laughed, "come with me, we can go eat alone. i have a spot that nobody ever bothers me in." 

"where are we going?" matt inquired, walking faster to match the pace of the taller boy's much longer legs.

"you'll just have to see when we get there," he challenged stubbornly.

walking up to the back stairwell, russell sat down on the first step, motioning for matt to sit next to him.

"why didn't you just like... tell me to meet you by the stairs?" matt giggled, clearly puzzled.

"wanted to walk with you for a while. i like talking to you," russell shrugged, pulling his lunch out of his backpack. 

"i didn't pack anything," matt told him. 

"we can just share then," he offered. matt accepted as graciously as he could, wanting to say no. he felt bad for stealing his food, but he _was_ hungry. taking a bite out of the peanut butter sandwich, he began getting curious.

"how old are you?" he asked.

"sixteen. held back a year so i'm old for my grade," russell replied, eating a handful of salt and vinegar chips.

"oh... i see. i can't see why though, you seem really smart," said matt, looking up at him through his long eyelashes.

"you're about the only one who thinks that," he mumbled. truthfully, russell felt anything but smart. he had failed most of his classes freshman year despite trying his best, and the same had been true almost as long as he was in school. he had been getting "below average" on his report cards since elementary school, and he honestly had no idea what he was doing wrong. he didn't know why he couldn't learn like everyone else, and he hated himself for it. he was terrified of being a failure in life, and he was terrified of disappointing his family. matt had probably been the first to person to call him really smart, and he'd be lying if he said it didn't make him a little bit emotional. 

"these are fucking _stale_ , joba," matt complained loud enough to snap russell out of his thoughts, holding a roll of ritz crackers that russell remembered digging out of the back of his pantry that morning. 

"well _sorr-y,_ princess!" russell mocked, snatching the package from him and offering him the bag of chips instead.

"those chips make me thirsty," matt groaned.

"we have a soda here. why don't you just drink it," he asked.

"you already drank out of it," matt replied.

"i don't have a.i.d.s," russell laughed.

"but it has your spit on it! thats the same as kissing you!" matt giggled.

"damn, you don't want to kiss me? how unfortunate," russell joked. matt's blush was apparent on his face, dusting his cheeks and the bridge of his nose delicately. he could feel his face heat up, and he cursed himself for being so immature. he tentatively reached a pale hand out to grab the can of sprite. russell looked down at his fingers while he did so, noticing only then that his nails were painted a soft blue colour that was chipping around the edges. how could he have such a strong affect on him? he had the known the boy for barely four hours by that point, and he already found himself daydreaming about what it would be like to marry him like a schoolgirl in a stupid rom-com movie. of course, this wasn't the first stupid crush matt had had in his life. he was, if nothing else, a hopeless romantic. love was something he not only thought about, but obsessed over. love was the meaning of life, or at least the meaning of _his_ life, if you asked him. finding love was something he wished for, and anytime he found someone to fancy, he prayed it would be love. to matt, to live was to love. 

"look at me," the older boy instructed matt, making him snap his head up to meet his gaze, "your hair is messed up." he reached a calloused hand out confidently, smoothing his dark brown hair back over his part, and tucking all of the flyaways behind his ear. if he was being honest, matt was more starved for human contact than anyone he had ever known. the simple act of russell petting his head had nearly made him burst into tears. he had hardly ever been close enough with anyone to be very vulnerable with them (merlyn and ian had seen him cry a collective total of once, when his dog died), but there he was ready to let him in the same day he had met him. despite this, he was determined not to move too fast. he was far too scared of losing the man by his side to ruin everything.

while the boys chattered away, everything around them seemed to fade away. all of matt's anxiety about starting high school, all of russell's anxiety about being a failure, everything but each other. they talked until they finished all of the food russell had packed, and heard the bell ringing telling them to get to class as he was shoving the bag back in his backpack. 

"what class do you have next?" russell inquired, slinging his book bag over his shoulder. 

"biology in the lab room," matt replied picking himself up off the steps with a grunt.

"oh sick, me too. i failed it last year so i have to retake it. walk with me?" he said, opening the door to the stairwell and holding it for the other boy.

"of course," matt smiled, wondering to himself about just how he had fallen so hard so quickly for the tall troubled boy. 

just what the hell he had gotten himself into, he had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my life is falling apart. i guess im writing thirty chapters of this garbage. well see if anyone even reads this when i get there.


	4. russell boring is NOT crazy

russell boring and matt champion were inseparable. in the two weeks since the pair first met, they had grown closer and closer with every passing day. they had spent hours talking on the phone in between all of the time they spent at school, but still neither had seen each other outside of school. not because they didn't want to make plans, but because they were both too scared to bring it up. that friday though, matt had decided he would finally ask. he figured he had already waited long enough, and he had gone through exactly what he was going to say what must have been one hundred times in his head beforehand up until that very moment. however, his train of thought was interrupted by his friend looking up to ask him a question. 

"so where's your boyfriend?" merlyn teased halfheartedly, though genuine curiosity could be heard in his voice. 

matt rolled his eyes in response, "we're _not_ dating! besides, i'm not sure. he's probably late."

"when do we get to meet him? i want to figure out if he's really as perfect as you make him out to be. i mean, the most me and merlyn have ever gotten out of him is a wave and head nod when he comes to take you away from us," ian ranted. 

"i can ask if he wants to eat lunch with me and you guys today, but please don't take it personally if i don't show up to sit with you guys. he's just... not really a people person. i'm surprised he became friends with me considering how he talks about most other people. seriously though, i'll try and convince him," matt explained, doing his best not to raise his friend's expectations too high. 

"i really hope he'll come. he seems super chill if the way you've been talking about him holds any truth," stated merlyn, idly adjusting one of the navy blue backpack straps on his shoulder.

as the bell rang and everyone scattered off to get to their homerooms before the tardy bell, matt found himself lagging behind, lost in thought. it was the first time russell hadn't been there in the morning, and as stupid as it seemed, matt had started to get worried. not only was he worried about where he had gone, but also about the possibility of not getting the chance to make plans with him at all. he walked into class and sat down in the back, placing his bag in the seat next to him saving it for russell. however, after several minutes, the tardy bell rang and there was no sign of the other boy. as class started and their teacher announced that today would be a study hall day, matt pulled his phone out and decided to text russell. unlocking his iphone 3gs (he had been so excited when he had received it from his parents), he typed out a quick "hey where u at?" before putting his earbuds in and putting on a hip hop playlist that his parents most certainly wouldn't approve of. 

as the end of third period approached, matt hadn't heard anything from russell. he had started to get worried, packing his notebook back into his bag. it wasn't like russell at all. he had begun getting worried about the possibility that he was avoiding him on purpose, picking at the blue paint on one of his fingernails. just as he was about to try texting him once again (it would have been the fifth time), he left his classroom and saw russell walking down the hallway across from him. he smiled and did his best to speed walk over to him without drawing attention to himself. as he strode up beside the boy, he looked down to see him and appeared surprised.

"russell, oh my god i've been trying to find you all day! you haven't answered any of my texts! where were you?" matt exclaimed to him, relief evident on his face though it was mixed with heavy confusion.

"oh... um- actually, hey, do you want to skip fourth period with me? we can hang out in our usual spot and i can explain everything," russell replied, seeming to clam up. something was obviously troubling him: the younger boy picked up on it easily.

"are you sure we won't get in trouble?" matt worried out loud.

"no, they never catch me there. besides, all they'd do is tell us to go back to class. don't worry too much," russell replied, convincing matt.

"ok fine, but you better tell me everything," matt complied, making the other boy smile a watery sort of smile back at him. 

sitting down on the step, matt had a certain sense of sadness. whatever was wrong with his friend obviously had him very upset, and matt hated seeing people upset. it was part of the reason he hated crying in front of people. he hated being a burden and making other people upset. that being said. he was also the best listener out of all the people he knew according to all of his friends. he had a certain innate way of making people feel better that nobody else seemed to understand. although he hated seeing people cry, matt prided himself on being an excellent shoulder to cry on. despite this, he was in no way prepared for russell to sit down next to him and immediately break down into tears.

"hey, bro whats wrong? are you ok?" he asked, putting his arm around the taller boy, doing his best to ignore the heat in his face and how the feeling of his hand on the warm skin of russell's arm felt electric under his sweaty palms. 

"i just- i just got back from my appointment with my psychiatrist. they're... they're putting me on mood stabilizers like some kind of _**FREAK**. _i don't understand why- well i mean i do but i don't want to be some crazy person. i'm not crazy. matt. I'M NOT FUCKING CRAZY! all the doctors act like i have so many problems, but they're full of shit! i hate being an experiment to them! here try this, yeah we'll put him on the new drug, let's try antidepressants, every week i'm on something new! i hate it! god, i hate it _so fucking much_ ," russell sobbed, his voice getting higher and breaking on the last sentence, interrupted by a flood of hot tears pouring out of his eyes that wet the front of matt's pale yellow t-shirt. 

"it's ok, they're just trying to help, right? i know it sucks- well i don't know... at all, but i'm sure it's awful and i can't even imagine what you're going through, and hey don't cry! it's gonna be ok, i promise everything is gonna work out," matt comforted as best he could. it seemed to work, as the boy didn't say anything else for a few minutes, just sitting there holding tightly onto matt's slender shoulders and crying hard into the crook of his neck. matt held him back, rubbing light circles onto his shoulder blades and whispering soft reassurances into his ear. this was the closest and most physically affectionate they had been by far, but matt was happy to have the boy acting so sweetly to him. after about ten minutes of sitting pressed together like that, russell had finally calmed down enough to be able to pull away so matt's arm was still comfortably around him and look up at matt. his eyes were puffy and bloodshot and his nose was running while he sniffled softly trying to compose himself. the sight broke matt's heart. the boy he had found so intimidating upon first glance, reduced to a mess of tears. 

"hey, you feeling any better? you had me worried there," matt said softly, gentling rubbing up and down the boy's bicep and looking at him with his eyebrows furrowed together and genuine concern impossible to miss on his face. 

"y- yeah i'm sorry, i- i didn't mean to bother you," russell hiccuped in the shakiest voice matt had ever heard. 

"you didn't bother me at all. i'm glad you're comfortable enough around me to be vulnerable," matt reassured him. "hey, do you want to just ditch? we can go back to my house. nobody will be home until later," matt offered, though scared of the possibility of getting in trouble, it was obvious that russell mattered a lot more to him in that moment.

"actually, yeah... that sounds really nice," replied the blonde-haired boy. "i can drive us, i drive to school every morning,"

"ok, cool. show me the way," matt smiled, and cheered to himself when he was greeted with that beautiful smile back. it was only _after_ he began walking through the parking lot behind his crush that he realized the situation he had gotten himself into. he hadn't even thought about the fact that he had invited him over. it had just come out when he was trying to make him feel better. hopping into the passenger seat of the black 2005 honda civic that he drove, however, he didn't regret asking him over at all.

as the pair walked up to matt's front door, matt was more nervous than he had ever been. he didn't know why, even, because he knew the other wouldn't care about what kind of house he lived in or anything stupid like that. after all, he knew that he was no better off than himself (though neither were really struggling, they were both average middle class citizens.) still, as he turned the key in his door and pushed it open, he couldn't shake the nerves.

"we can go into my room and play games on my xbox or something. are you hungry or anything?" matt asked.

"i'm just thirsty after crying so much," russell replied softly. 

"you want a capri sun? i think theres a few left in the fridge," matt offered, to which russell nodded. tossing one to him, he made his way back to his own bedroom. on the way there, russell noticed a picture of a girl that looked like matt sitting on a shelf and asked who it was inbetween sips of fruit punch.

"oh, thats my older sister. she's in college now, so she doesn't live here anymore," matt explained.

"oh, thats nice. i have an older brother, but i always sort of wished i had a sister i guess," russell rambled. matt tried to imagine what life would be like without his sister. he didn't like imagining that at all.

walking into his room, the taller boy could see that he had a full sized bed pushed into one corner, with an old wooden desk in the corner across from it, and a laptop that he remembered matt saying he had gotten for his birthday sitting on top. a weathered looking black desk chair was pushed into it. along the wall there was his black dresser with his tv sitting on top of it. the wall on the side directly opposite his desk was covered in posters, with a large black mirror hanging on it. the walls were all painted an eggshell white, aside from the wall with the door. that wall was a soft sky blue: the same as it had been ever since he was very young. walking up to turn his tv and his xbox on, russell threw himself on the bed, discarding the already empty juice pouch on the floor. matt didn't mind, though. it was already a mess in there anyway. 

sitting down on the bed next to russell, he put on netflix and layed his head down on the mattress. he hadn't expected russell to motion to his thighs and ask him to move closer, and once he laid his head in his lap (blushing like mad and doing his best to contain the emotions that he felt), he most definitely didn't expect russell to reach down and start petting his hair idly like they were some sort of couple. he relaxed into the gentle touch and completely zoned out of whatever shitty movie was playing. he heard russell mumble something that he could have sworn sounded like "cute" and then smile and giggle to himself. if he hadn't been before, he was absolutely smitten now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't fucking know if joba has siblings irl so i made him an only child in this fic but i did give matt a sister bc thats confirmed. i made her older bc i thought the dynamic would be cuter i dont think we actually know her age. if we do ig ill fix it later. also i guess i should have been referring to merlyn as william because everyone else is called by their real name but that's actually cursed so im not doing it.


	5. a revelation

russell awoke to the low sound of his phone buzzing against the wooden surface of the end table next to him. he didn't know at what point he had fallen asleep, but he knew that it had to have been several hours ago. as he opened his eyes groggily he noticed the warm body next to him, softly breathing, sleeping soundly. he had almost forgotten he was in matt's room until he felt the boy pressed against him, resting peacefully curled up to his chest. he hadn't remembered getting into this position when he was awake, but he didn't mind the feeling of having someone else in bed with him, especially after how long it had been since the last time it happened. he looked at his newfound best friend with a smile on his face, fondly thinking about how much he enjoyed spending this time with him. then, as slowly and gingerly as possible, turned and grabbed his phone from the nightstand, picking up the call. he spoke lowly when saying hello to the other person, trying his best not to wake his sleeping friend still laying his head in the crook between his arm and his torso. 

"russell, where the hell are you?! we've been trying to get a hold of you for half an hour! are you ok?" russell's mom panicked into the phone. russell looked over at the digital clock on the younger boy's nightstand and saw it was already almost three thirty. he hadn't even realized he should have been home from school a long time ago by now. 

“i’m sorry mom, i forgot to tell you i was going over to my friends house,” russell explained into the phone.

”jesus christ, you gave us a heart attack! who’s house are you at, anyway? you never go anywhere after school,” his mum asked inquisitively. 

ignoring the painful reminder that even his mom realized he had no social life, he quietly spoke, “my friend matt, he invited me over.”

”oh ok sweetheart, have fun! text me when you’re gonna come home!” she told him. 

he said he loved her and goodbye, and hung up the phone. looking down, he saw matt stir and open his hazel eyes blearily, squinting against the light from the ceiling lamp. 

“i’m sorry, did i wake you up? my mom was asking where i was,” russell apologized. 

“its okay, i needed to wake up anyway,” matt yawned. his vision still blurred, he reached a small hand up to rub his eyelids. looking around, he suddenly realized that he had been cuddling with russell in his sleep. his stomach dropped with embarrassment as he quickly and suddenly jumped out of bed and away from the boy. 

startled, russell said, “what’s wrong, are you ok dude?” 

“yeah i’m... fine. do you want anything to eat?” matt tried to pretend nothing was wrong.

”um... sure,” russell accepted awkwardly. the air around them had seemed to shift. something was off about matt, and russell could tell. matt however, was horrified that he had been cuddling with the older boy in his sleep. his cheeks burned with shame as he walked out of the room and into the kitchen. 

"we can like, make something, if you want to? we have the stuff to make spaghetti," matt told the other boy. he agreed to help make it and began rummaging through the younger boys kitchen pantry to try to find spaghetti noodles. he finally found them on the back of the shelf and brought them to matt, who was carrying a large pot of water over to the stove. russell watched as some spilled over the metal sides of the pot and out into a puddle on the floor, and made a mental note to wipe it up before anybody slipped in it. turning the dial and hearing the stove click to life a few times before lighting, matt turned to face russell. the light in the kitchen was low, only coming from the bay window with its curtains drawn above the sink to their left, and one ceiling light emitting a low electrical buzz alongside its yellowy light. russell’s features looked cold, sharp and angular: matt didn’t like seeing him like this. he preferred russell bathed in warm sunlight, smiling bright enough to light up an entire town. not this russell, illuminated harshly under the artificial light, a slight frown expressing itself on his face. matt could never understand what the boy was thinking, and it was certainly no different then. he studied his face for a moment, noting the soft creases of his smile lines, the pale freckles dotting his smooth face, the faint stubble that hinted at him needing to shave soon, and everything else that made russell _russell;_ the things that made russell _joba._ he was entranced by the boy, unable to keep his eyes off of him as he wandered around the kitchen looking for the ingredients he needed. he should probably have been telling him where everything was, but he found himself so captivated by the boy that he couldn't have said anything if he tried. watching him grab shakers full of spices from the rack on the top shelf, he noted the way his shirt rode up to expose the milky pale flesh of his hip bones. everything about him was beautiful, in matt's opinion. 

pulling the pot of spaghetti off the stove, matt pulled open a cupboard door to grab something for them to eat out of. pulling out a pale yellow ceramic dish and a green plastic bowl, he set them down on the counter and ladled pasta into both of the dishes. 

"why do you always leave the cabinet doors open?" asked russell, a smile evident on his chapped and peeling lips.

"oh, i... never really noticed before. sorry," matt admitted sheepishly. it was something he never even thought about and really meant nothing, but something about his friend noticing made him feel vulnerable. if he was able to pick up on such a small, trivial thing, what else was he realizing about matt that he didn't even know. 

"its fine. i don't mind having to always close them behind you. makes me feel like i have some sort of purpose," he chuckled. his small laugh made matt feel warm inside, finally laying any tension he had been feeling to rest. everything was normal again between the two in that moment. matt gave the blond boy a bowl, keeping the ceramic one for himself because he preferred the colour (though he would never admit something so stupid.) russell took a seat at the bar, his long legs reaching nearly to the floor even in the tall stool. matt chose to sit on the counter and face him. resting a soft cheek on his bruised knee, he twisted a forkful of spaghetti and brought it to his lips.

"s' good," russell said inbetween bites. matt nodded his agreement, taking another bite. the atmosphere in the room was light and conversation was easy between the two, the pair poking fun and laughing at each other's awful jokes the whole time. it didn't take long before they had finished and matt hopped off the counter, taking their bowls and discarding them into the ever growing pile of dirty dishes in the sink that his parents would yell at him to clean. matt checked his phone: no new messages, but the time shocked him. it was already half past seven. the sky was growing dimmer outside, the air was cooling down, and matt realized he had no idea when the other boy was planning on leaving.

"are you staying the night?" he asked, hopeful for a certain answer.

"if it's cool with you, yeah," russell replied. 

"yeah it's cool, sounds fun. you wanna go upstairs? we can go out to the balcony and talk. i like it up there, it's kinda my spot," matt invited. russell accepted and followed close behind as the smaller boy led him upstairs and out onto the balcony. the view of the neighborhood was pretty, and he could see the sun starting to set over the horizon. matt sat down next to him and pulled something out of his back pocket.

"want a cigarrete?" he asked, extending the blue package of camel crush cigarettes to his friend.

"sure," russell accepted, taking the box from him and pulling one out. 

"i don't smoke a lot, but i figured i'd indulge while you're here," matt explained. russell didn't care much at all. truthfully, he smoked everyday, so it wasn't like he really cared much about his friends mild dabbling in it, whether he was lying to him or not. what he didn't know was that matt wasn't lying. he only smoked around his friends, and he tried not to do it often because he stole the cigarettes from his mom and he really didn't want her to find out. truthfully, neither cared much about the other's reasoning behind doing it. 

"you got a lighter?" asked russell. holding his cigarette between his lips, matt pulled a small silver zippo lighter out of his pocket and raised it to the end of russell's cigarette, cupping his hand over the end while he lit it. watching the end of it turn a bright red, he pulled away, realizing the intimacy in what he was doing. he quickly lit his own and let out a small cloud of thick grey smoke. watching the sunset with russell, he focused deeply on the fading pinks and oranges over the edge of the horizon, bathing the houses in a soft warm glow. they were bathed in it, too. they both gazed at each other and let their stares linger a little too long because neither really cared that much and the other just looked so perfect in the light like that. russell, for the first time, realized how beautiful he found matt champion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry for how long it took me to update. i just got back from a 4 day trip n i been so tired. also sorry this chapters a bit shorter than most of the rest have been, expect a few shorter kind of filler chapters until the real conflict starts heating up.


	6. matt champion's guide to the galaxy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for this chapter: some mentions of suicide/self harm

a little over one hour later, the boys could still be found up on the balcony that night. chain smoking the entire pack of cigarettes they had, the boys had little better to do than sit around and talk. they had shared everything with each other that night. matt talked for fifteen minutes about how much he missed his sister away at college, tears threatening to fall from his big brown eyes near the end. russell told matt about how he wished he and his brother were still close like them, hiding the sadness he truly felt. the topics, however, would only get more serious as the night progressed. this was proven when, taking a long drag from yet another cigarette, russell turned to face the other boy in the deck chair across from him. 

"I'm sorry about having that meltdown earlier at school. it was, like, childish as fuck... can i be really honest for a second though?" he asked matt, stumbling over his words with nervousness.

"it wasn't, and you shouldn't be sorry. you were obviously just super stressed out and you had to let it out somehow dude; but anyway, of course you can, what's up?" was matt's softly spoken reply. 

"...i just..." russell trailed off, clearly unsure and anxious of what to say, " i'm **_terrified_**."

 _"_ of what?" matt jumped to reply, bracing himself for the possibility of having to see his friend break down again. lucky for him, russell would keep his composure for the most part. he hated himself for letting his guard down so drastically for matt, and vowed to himself to keep it in from then on. 

"of everything, matt... don't you see? i'm a failure! i failed my freshman year of high school, got held back, barely passed last year, and... who fucking knows how i'll manage this year. i'll never graduate at this rate, i'll probably just... slip through the cracks eventually and drop out or something," russell ranted to the smaller boy. he took a deep inhale off the cigarette he was holding in his hand, trying to calm his nerves and steady his shaking hands.

"i mean, it's not like you know any of that for sure. you're getting all worked up over what could be nothing," matt tried his best to calm him down. 

"it's not like school is even the _worst_ problem in my life at the moment! so, even worse, i'm a failure who's fucking clinically insane... i'm so sick and tired of being the guinea pig for all these treatments and therapies and meds. like, i _get_ that they're trying their best to help me but it's always fucked me over. i'm constantly monitored and every time i have a meltdown and do something "manic" or whatever word they wanna use to describe me, my parents just... give up on me all over again and move me on to whatever thing they're gonna try for me next. maybe i'm just un-fixable," russell rambled, trying his best to keep his emotions in check. 

"what did you do that made them put you on that new shit?" matt asked gingerly, trying not to upset the boy any further but also genuinely curious.

"the mood stabilizers? well this time i guess it's because of my breakdown a couple weeks ago over summer... i tried to overdose on pain medication and cut myself up in the bathroom. i would have died if my parents didn't call 911 because they couldn't unlock the bathroom door and i wasn't answering," russell admitted, a sense of normalcy portrayed in the way he spoke about the event. matt, however, was shocked at the story.

"why... why would you do that?" matt stammered out. truthfully, matt had never had to deal with anything like this. he wasn't stupid, he had known that depression existed of course, but he had never seen it first hand. he had no idea how to even process the information he was taking in. 

"bipolar depression is a gift," russell said, a sarcastic smile pulling at the corners of his lips. those same lips, however, were just finishing off the last puff of a cigarette, which was the last in the box. putting out into the dirty plastic bottle by his feet full of water made murky by the packs worth of cigarette ash now floating in it, he broke the silence. 

"this is fucking depressing, i don't wanna talk about this shit anymore... i'm getting tired. it's been a long day for me," russell stated, sentence punctuated with a yawn as he stretched his arms and legs out in an almost cartoon-ish fashion.

"we can sleep up here tonight if you want. the upstairs used to be my sister's bedroom, but since she moved out my parents just use it as a guest room," matt explained.

"sounds good, it's nice up here," russell said, walking in the room and sitting down on a beanbag chair on the floor. watching matt walk around the room grabbing all the pillows and blankets from the sofa in the corner, he quickly became curious at to what the little brunette boy was planning.

"what are you doing?" came russell's simple question.

"i wanna build a fort," matt answered, hardly having to think about it. matt had always been a child at heart, and that night would be no exception. he enjoyed doing even the simplest things in life, and after all, who could be mad at him for that?

"sounds fun, can i help?" russell laughed. russell was not the type to enjoy building pillow forts, that much was obvious. however, in that moment, matt's childlike enthusiam was infectious. when was the last time he had done something purely to have _fun_? he could hardly remember any time at all. whether it was the warm, soft smile on the younger boy's face, or the fact that he seemed to get happier when he did the things matt liked, russell was convinced of how much fun he could have with matt.

"wait, i have an even better idea! we can take the mattress off the bed and put it on the balcony. we can sleep in our fort outside under the stars!" matt decided. russell had no complaints, and the boys quickly set up camp on the little balcony outside. they left a small gap between the blankets above their heads to watch the stars above them. just one of matt's many interests in life was space. 

"you see the north star there, joba?" he asked, pointing to the bright star shimmering in the sea of darkness that was the sky that brisk autumn night. luckily for him, it was a clear night and he could see a few good constellations.

"yeah, its the big one up there," russell replied, "show me some constellations, i've never been able to find them."

"if you start from the north star, you can see its the top of the little dipper's handle. right across from it is the tip of the big dipper too," matt explained, pointing to all the stars as he spoke. russell nodded along, trying his best to follow along. 

"you want to see something really cool?" matt asked, and russell could just see how excited he was to show him. of course he nodded his head and smiled back at him. 

"look up there," he said, once again raising a frail arm out to point up into the sky, "you can see venus tonight." 

"where? i can't see shit," russell giggled, and matt grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together and holding it. it was the first time he had ever done so to russell, and he did it so fast he barely noticed he was doing it. as soon as he did, though, his characteristic blush once again heated up his pale freckled face. using their intertwined hands as a pointer, he showed the taller boy the planet as it shimmered brightly for them. 

"ohhh, there it is! it's pretty," russell observed, captivated by brilliantly bright orb. matt let go of the boy's hand and continued to list out every constellation and star he could identify. by the time he couldn't find any more, the blond boy next to him was sound asleep. he reached up to re-cover the gap in the ceiling of the fort, and laid his head down on the pillow next to the boy. watching the boy sleep peacefully, his heart swelled with love for him once more. there were so many things he wished he could say to him while he was awake. sighing deeply, he spoke only one into the world then.

"you are more beautiful than any star or constellation i could ever find in the night sky," he said through shaky breaths, his voice almost seeming to echo back at him in the darkness. matt cried himself to sleep for the first time that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so sorry updates takin so long im so fuckin busy yall dont even know. im tryin my best. your comments and kudos fuel me to write faster. heres the chapter that ties into the title hope its good enough


	7. for the first time in his life

russell was the first to wake up that saturday morning. where matt had cried himself to sleep, russell cried himself awake. mind reeling from yet another nightmare he always seemed to have, he shot upright in bed and tried to catch his breath. luckily for him, matt was a tremendously heavy sleeper. his thoughts raced in the pitch black darkness he was shrouded in, and he stifled his sobs into the soft down comforter covering his trembling form. no matter what he did, these dreams kept persisting. he had told his therapist about how awful they were, the same recurring scenes over and over again. his friends and family dying, brutally and in agony. he could hardly bear them every night, he hated seeing those he loved in pain. that night, however, had been different: a new scene had emerged from his subconscious. he had watched matt die. he had never seen matt in any of his dreams before (which, what with the usual content of his dreams, was a good thing.) now, he wished he could have unseen everything his mind had conjured up. he wanted nothing more than to hold onto matt in that moment, feel him safe and warm under his palms. slowly, his hand trembling and tentative, he settled for reaching out and interlacing his fingers with those of the boy sleeping by his side. rubbing his thumb up and down the younger's hand, his worries were quelled and his thoughts stopped racing. next to him, matt had just started to wake up. he rolled over as he woke, opening his eyes groggily to see the boy he loved so much. immediately he noticed the tear tracks lining the sides of his face, his puffy eyes and reddened nose, and his lips pressing deep into a frown. what he didn't think about in that moment was the fact that he appeared similarly disheveled after going to bed in tears the night prior. russell did see this, though. he noted it, but made no mention of it to the boy. he had no reason to do so then. 

"what are you doing up so early?" matt asked, his voice low and sleepy.

"had a nightmare..." admitted russell, a little embarrassed. children had nightmares. russell was no child.

"m'sorry. what was it about?" came matt's question. curiosity was evident in the brunettes soft voice. 

"you," russell answered, "you were dying... i couldn't help you. i was locked up in chains. all i could do was watch." 

matt seemed more concerned as he asked more questions. "how did i die? was i in pain?" he spoke inquisitively. 

"your throat was cut open... you were spraying blood everywhere, your voice was gurgling and begging me to help you. there was so much blood..." russell explained, pained to relive the memory.

"hmm... must have been scary," matt stated, "well, it was just a dream. im fine joba, don't worry anymore." he smiled up at russell, and instantly the older boy felt relief wash over him. it was only a nightmare. no need to worry.

they spoke in the fort for a while like that, wrapped in blankets and the atmosphere of home. their conversations never had to be deep to be meaningful to each other. all they cared about was spending time with each other. checking the time and quickly realizing it was nearly nine and most definitely time to get out of bed, the pair reluctantly stood up and disassembled the fort. after everything had been brought inside, matt seemed to remember something important. 

"hey joba, you know merlyn and ian, right?" he asked russell.

"of course. i mean, i know of them," russell replied. 

"you want to hang out with them today? i told them we'd come eat lunch with them yesterday, but you know how that turned out. they're dying to get to know you," matt rambled.

"if they wanna see me then sure," russell agreed. matt texted his friends to meet him at the whataburger near their neighborhood as soon as possible, and then started making his way downstairs with the other boy close behind.

coming into his room, matt rustled through his dresser to find an outfit to wear. settling on a pair of plain blue skinny jeans with ripped open knees and an old white sailor moon t-shirt that his sister had left him when she moved out. He turned to russell and motioned for him to come over to where he stood. telling the boy to choose an outfit to borrow, he sat on his bed and tugged off his clothes from the day prior. russell had chosen quite possibly the two darkest items in matt's entire wardrobe: a black band tee with the eagles logo scrawled on the front in bright neon font, and a pair of black skinny jeans. russell turned away from him to change, and matt couldn't help but watch him as he pulled his shirt off. he knew he shouldn't stare, but he couldn't take his eyes off of the boy in front of him. he quickly averted his gaze, though, and finished buttoning his jeans. sliding on his shoes (the only pair he owned), matt realized he had never told russell what they were doing.

"we're gonna go meet my friends at whataburger," he said shyly, hoping he wouldn't reject the plan.

"sounds good. i'm hungry as shit actually," russell said back, much to matt's relief. 

russell found his shoes and walked out to his car, opening the passenger door for matt to get in. turning the keys in the ignition and pulling out of matt's driveway, he felt a strange sense of longing. he had come to find a home in matt's house, and he didn't want to leave. next to him, matt's heart was pounding in his chest. though it wasn't the first time it had happened, getting russell to drive him places made matt nervous. there was something so domestic about it to matt, and it made him imagine them as a couple even more so than he already did. in his haze of thoughts, he hadn't noticed them pull into the parking lot and stop the car. russell made his way around the car and opened matt's door for him, snapping him out of his fog. 

"come on, i can see them waiting for us in there," russell told matt.

"im coming, im coming," matt giggled back, his heart filled with happiness with the ideas of russell as his boyfriend that he had dreamt up on the ride there.

as russell held the door for matt, he looked around to see his friends at a booth near the back of the mostly empty restaurant. towing russell behind him, he made his way over to them. 

"so, i know you've all been dying to meet my new friend. so, merlyn and ian, meet joba. joba, meet merlyn and ian," matt introduced his friend. almost immediately, they seemed to hit it off. more relieved than any of them would ever know, matt fidgeted with a straw wrapper on the table. russell stood up, asking matt to come order with him. his friends had already ordered their food, as they had explained in the pleasant conversation they made with russell when he sat down.

"i told you you'd like them," matt grinned at russell, walking up to the counter.

"i know, i know. they seem really nice. i'm just glad i've finally seemed to start meeting people that i can actually call friends," russell stated. matt just smiled in reply, all soft brown eyes and charming crooked teeth. 

sitting back down after ordering their food, russell couldn't seem to contain his grin. talking and laughing over mildly shitty fast food burgers for breakfast, something in russell changed. for the first time in his life, he felt accepted by people he could truly call friends. for the first time in his life, he had found people he didn't mind surrounding himself by for hours, joking and chatting about nothing in particular. finally, and most importantly, for the first time in russell boring's life, he realized just what falling in love felt like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holy shit first update in like two months been sad been lazy nobody cares matt n joba r gay


End file.
